jokes

[Guest]

Anyone got any good ones? ill start

What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an atheist and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[stsae]

A Souffs joke.

What's red and green and lies in the gutter???

A wounded boogie.

[Guest]

A Souffs joke.

What's red and green and lies in the gutter???

A wounded boogie.

nice one !

so this guy walks onto a train with a black eye and sees a fellow passenger with a black eye as well and sits next to him. he asks what happened. so passenger 1 says "well i walked up to the ticket counter and there was a gorgeous blonde with huge breasts behind the counter. what i wanted to say was 'excuse miss, can i get a ticket to pittsburgh?' but what actually came out of my mouth was 'can i get a picket to tittsburgh?' and she socked me in the face.........what happened to you?"

"well i was eating breakfast with my wife and wanted to say 'honey could you please pass the salt?' but what came out of my mouth was, 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

[stsae]

You have to say this when you get together with couples for dinner etc, preferably ones you don't know vey well, and when there's a lull in the conversation. The blokes usually crack up and the chicks usually want to slap me and their sniggering hubby's, but they all secretly love it cos it's true.

Why do females wear makeup and perfume???

Cos they're ugly and they stink.

[chook 56]

You have to say this when you get together with couples for dinner etc, preferably ones you don't know vey well, and when there's a lull in the conversation. The blokes usually crack up and the chicks usually want to slap me and their sniggering hubby's, but they all secretly love it cos it's true.

Why do females wear makeup and perfume???

Cos they're ugly and they stink.

LOL
Surprised that you have lived this long, maaaate.

[stsae]

LOL
Surprised that you have lived this long, maaaate.

LOL chicks secretly dig it my man, one of my favorite ice breaker jokes.

And I'm surprisingly faster than I look maaaaaaaaaaate.

[Guest]

What wobbles and flies?

A Jellycopter.

Chook.

[Guest]

What do you have if you've got 1000 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

Chook.

[Guest]

A very good looking female tourist from Sweden was on holidays in Sydney, she unfortunately lost her purse with all her money so she had to get in contact with her mum.
She got herself into the city to the phone exchange, she made her way to the counter where she was greeted by STSAE. She explained the story to STSAE & said that she would do anything if she could phone her mum, STSAE said to her "anything" & she said yes "anything".
So STSAE told her to come back in 1 hour & he would take her to a private room so she could contact her mum.
The young good looking Swedish babe arrived back in 1 hour so together STSAE & the Swedish babe went to a private room.
Once the door was closed STSAE said to her to stand in front of him, so she did. He then said for her to kneel down in front of him, so she did. He then said for her to take his old fella out, so she did. He then said to her you may begin & with that the Swedish babe said "hello mum can you hear me"

[Guest]

What's the difference between an Italian mother and an Orca?

About 3 kilos.

Chook.

[Guest]

i heard one a few years ago --------
little johny is in class, he puts up his hand and said "Miss, i need to piss"
his teacher said "johnny thats naughty, you say urinate" "now use urinate in a sentence"
johnny fires straight back with "Well your an 8 but if your tits were bigger youd be a 10"

[Guest]

Ralph.

[Guest]

Ralph.

A few years back a customer walked onto Filthy's lot of rotting jalopeys. He looked Filthy up and down and turned to his colleauge and asked, "Sir, why does that salesman look so old?" He looked poor Filthy up and down and replied, "Because he's a USED car salesmen." Boom tish!!

[Guest]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and conversation turns to their relationships.

They decided that night to surprise their men…. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman reported: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.

The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Guest]

Two friends - Jeremy and Colin - are sitting in a bar drinking beer. Colin says to Jeremy "I know everyone in the world."

Jeremy says "That's bullshit. How can you possibly know everyone in the whole world?" Colin says "I just do..."

Jeremy says to him "Okay, prove it. Prove to me that you know Madonna".

So they fly out to Los Angeles, knock on Madonna's door, and she answers..."Colin! How are you! Long time no see!"

Jeremy says "Okay, so you know her, big deal. Prove to me that you know the president of the USA".

So they fly out to Washington DC, and enter the oval office. The president says "Hey, Colin! How have you been?"

"I don't believe this", says Jeremy. "Okay, one last one. Prove to me that you know the pope."

So they fly over to the Vatican. There's a massive crowd outside the church waiting for the pope to step onto the balcony. Colin says to Jeremy "He won't see me in this huge crowd. Let me go inside and talk to him".

So Colin goes up to the balcony and talks to the pope for a few minutes, then comes back down to the crowd to find Jeremy fainted on the ground. He asks him "What happened?"

Jeremy says "I was doing just fine until everyone around me started saying "Who's that man on the balcony up there with Colin?"