Jokes

[crikey chris]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.


They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

[Guest]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f***ing widow."

[melon....]

What wobbles and flys?
A jellycopter.

That was the very first joke I understood and laughed at. And I still remember it to this day. Isn't that odd.

Chook.

I told that to the kids last night and they got a good laugh.

Then they replied with:

Why did the scaredy cat cross the road?

Because he was Chicken!

[Guest]

Greedy 666

[Guest]

A 50-year old guy is working out at the gym when he spies a very attractive young woman.
He goes over to one of the trainers and says, “You see that gorgeous young girl over there? What machine should I use to impress her?”

The trainer rubs his chin, takes a look at him and says, “Mate, I’d try the ATM in the foyer!”

[Guest]

sad hooter in china town...........

[Guest]

Me and my son hamming it up on the Wild Mouse...not really a joke but.....

[bigben]

Little Johnny Meets The Prime Minister ...

Julia Gillard was visiting a primary school and she visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if she would like to
lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."

"No,' said Julia, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Julia. 'That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Julia searched
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and your boy friend was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Julia, 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss . . . and you can bet your fat arse it's
not an accident either."

[Guest]

What happened to the man who put his condom on backwards?

He went.

[Guest]

Life is a great joke for those who don't know the meaning of it and also how the live the life

[bigben]

blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[Pass the Ball]

This thread needs more Shadow...

SOS Shadow...

[BUDDY]

WARNING: Explicit language!! One of the legendary police interviews of all-time, this ripper from 2002 features Northcote police finding a run-of-the-mill interview over a stolen ladder going not as they had planned, as their suspect gives them far more information than they wanted...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0xCigeRK3c

[Guest]

We could just lock this thread now, we have a winner.

[stsae]

What happened to the man who put his condom on backwards?

He went.

I just saw this. I am speechless. I need a Pauline Hanson, please explain, Lozz.


And Adolf, some of your best work me old rissole, right up there with your Teabags call.