Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #61
    Cyclone Shazza hit Mt Druitt in the early hours of Friday 31st July 2009.

    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

    The cyclone devastated the area, causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

    The Mt Druitt Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Mt Druitt.

    One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old Mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

    Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.



    The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP?

    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

    Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport Socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
    Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

    Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

    Comment


    • #62
      Does anyone have any fireman jokes please????
      Don't be afraid to step out in the rain. Take a chance. Sometimes the only way to get your rainbow is by getting wet.

      Comment


      • #63
        The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

        Comment


        • #64
          Cat in heaven

          A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

          The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

          A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

          God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

          About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?' The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
          Don't be afraid to step out in the rain. Take a chance. Sometimes the only way to get your rainbow is by getting wet.

          Comment


          • #65
            Kevin Rudd meets with the Queen of England.
            He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
            government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

            "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
            yourself with intelligent people."
            Rudd frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really
            intelligent?"

            The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
            answer an intelligent riddle."

            The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send
            Gordon Brown in here, would you?"

            Gordon Brown walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
            The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Gordon. Your mother and
            father have a child. It is not your brother
            and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

            Without pausing for a moment, Gordon Brown answers, "That would be me."

            "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

            Rudd goes back home to ask Wayne Swan, his Treasurer, the same
            question.

            "Wayne! Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
            It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

            "I'm not sure," says Swan. "Let me get back to you on that one."
            He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
            an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
            Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.

            Swan asks Abbott, "Tony! Can you answer this for me? Your mother
            and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
            Who is it?"

            Tont Abbott yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

            Swan smiles, and says, "Thanks Tony!" Then, he goes back to speak with Rudd.

            "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
            Tony Abbott."

            Rudd gets up, stomps over to Swan, and angrily yells into his face



            "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"

            Comment


            • #66
              Absolutely cracked me up HH...

              Comment


              • #67
                PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
                1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
                2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
                3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
                4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
                5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
                6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
                7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
                8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
                9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
                11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
                12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
                13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
                14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
                15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
                16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
                17. A backward poet writes inverse.
                18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
                19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
                *
                20. Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist:* He says "There is no dog".

                Chook.

                Comment


                • #68
                  A woman is driving cross-country from New York to San Francisco when her car breaks down in the middle of deep rural America. A farmer passing by gives her a ride back to his farm, where she can use the phone to call AAA. The local mechanic can't make it out until the next morning, and there's no hotel for miles around, so the farmer says she can sleep in the barn. "But," he says, "my two boys come in early to milk the cows. Don't let them bother you."

                  Just around sunrise, the two boys come in the barn, waking her up. She sees the two of them and wow, they are well-muscled young hunks! She figures she's not going to be in this part of the country ever again, so she comes on to them hot and heavy. As things progress she takes out two condoms from her purse. The boys don't know what to do with them, so she says, "You boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? So you put these on over your dicks."

                  Well, the fun is over, the car is fixed, and the woman drives off and out of their life forever. A few months later, one brother says to the other as they get ready for bed: "Hey Vern. You remember that lady from New York City who came through in the spring?"

                  "Sure do, Hank, sure do. Hehehe."

                  "Do you really care if she gets pregnant, Vern?"

                  "Naw, I reckon I don't."

                  "Me neither. I'm takin' this dang thing off."

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Ex NRL star Ian Roberts has been arrested today.

                    Police have charged him with "Recieving swollen goods"


                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Puzzle

                      A girl calls her boyfriend and asks him to come over & help with a difficult jigsaw puzzle that she can't even get started.
                      "What is it supposed to be?" he asks.
                      "It should be a rooster according to the picture on the box," she replies.
                      When he arrives she shows him all the pieces spread out on the table. After studying the pieces & looking at the box he turns to the girl & says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
                      Taking her hand gently he also says, "Second, just relax. I'll make you a cup of coffee & we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box."
                      Don't be afraid to step out in the rain. Take a chance. Sometimes the only way to get your rainbow is by getting wet.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Hitman

                        Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting
                        ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.

                        The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two
                        holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a
                        living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all
                        laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman.

                        My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it
                        if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure
                        enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited
                        and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit
                        man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I
                        can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait,
                        there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!'

                        This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The
                        hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds,
                        '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the
                        mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you
                        to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.'
                        The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.

                        He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really
                        impatient and asks, what are you waiting for? The hitman replies,
                        Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
                        Don't be afraid to step out in the rain. Take a chance. Sometimes the only way to get your rainbow is by getting wet.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          man stands in front of the mirror and says to his wife: "Every time I look at myself, I get a hard-on!"

                          Wife replies: "That's because you look like a ****!"

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Parrot Attitude

                            A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

                            Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

                            Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

                            Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

                            Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

                            The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

                            John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

                            As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly............

                            "May I ask what the chicken did?"
                            Don't be afraid to step out in the rain. Take a chance. Sometimes the only way to get your rainbow is by getting wet.

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              Anthony Mundine goes to the doctor and says doctor doctor every time i look in the mirror i get aroused and turned on big time! The doctor calmly looks at him and says thats no surprise Anthony beacause your a pussy!!!!

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                A 12 year old boy walks into a brothel, hes dragging a very squashed dead frog along on the ground behind him tied to a piece of string.

                                He says to the madam, I know one of your girls has the clap, Ive got $100 and I want to have sex with her.

                                Its a quiet day so the madam takes the money and the kid has sex with the clapped out pro.

                                As hes about to leave curiosity gets the better of the madam and she asks him why he did it.

                                He replies, my mum and dad are going out tonight and the 18 year old babysitter they get to look after me likes young boys, so she will try to have sex with me and im gonna do it with her so she will get the clap.

                                When mum and dad get home my dad will drive the babysitter home, and he will have sex with her too, so he will get the clap too.

                                When he gets home he will have sex with mum, and she will get it too.

                                and when he leaves for work the milkman will come, and him and my mum will have sex and he will get it.........



                                and hes the prick who ran over my frog.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X