Jokes

[Guest]

This one made me crack up.

Two friends - Jeremy and Colin - are sitting in a bar drinking beer. Colin says to Jeremy "I know everyone in the world."

Jeremy says "That's bullshit. How can you possibly know everyone in the whole world?" Colin says "I just do..."

Jeremy says to him "Okay, prove it. Prove to me that you know Madonna".

So they fly out to Los Angeles, knock on Madonna's door, and she answers..."Colin! How are you! Long time no see!"

Jeremy says "Okay, so you know her, big deal. Prove to me that you know the president of the USA".

So they fly out to Washington DC, and enter the oval office. The president says "Hey, Colin! How have you been?"

"I don't believe this", says Jeremy. "Okay, one last one. Prove to me that you know the pope."

So they fly over to the Vatican. There's a massive crowd outside the church waiting for the pope to step onto the balcony. Colin says to Jeremy "He won't see me in this huge crowd. Let me go inside and talk to him".

So Colin goes up to the balcony and talks to the pope for a few minutes, then comes back down to the crowd to find Jeremy fainted on the ground. He asks him "What happened?"

Jeremy says "I was doing just fine until everyone around me started saying "Who's that man on the balcony up there with Colin?"

[Guest]

this one made me crack up.

Two friends - jeremy and colin - are sitting in a bar drinking beer. Colin says to jeremy "i know everyone in the world."

jeremy says "that's bullshit. How can you possibly know everyone in the whole world?" colin says "i just do..."

jeremy says to him "okay, prove it. Prove to me that you know madonna".

So they fly out to los angeles, knock on madonna's door, and she answers..."colin! How are you! Long time no see!"

jeremy says "okay, so you know her, big deal. Prove to me that you know the president of the usa".

So they fly out to washington dc, and enter the oval office. The president says "hey, colin! How have you been?"

"i don't believe this", says jeremy. "okay, one last one. Prove to me that you know the pope."

so they fly over to the vatican. There's a massive crowd outside the church waiting for the pope to step onto the balcony. Colin says to jeremy "he won't see me in this huge crowd. Let me go inside and talk to him".

So colin goes up to the balcony and talks to the pope for a few minutes, then comes back down to the crowd to find jeremy fainted on the ground. He asks him "what happened?"

jeremy says "i was doing just fine until everyone around me started saying "who's that man on the balcony up there with colin?"

excellent...:d

[horrie hastings]

Subject: AFL - RICHMOND & COLLINGWOOD MERGE

In a shock announcement, Richmond president Garry March and Collingwood president Eddie McGuire held a joint press conference this morning announcing that due to significant financial pressures on both AFL sides, they intend to merge for season 2011, allowing the AFL to avoid the bye with the introduction of GC17 and providing Collingwood and Richmond fans with a sustainable, profitable and powerful football operation.

No details have been released as yet however it is believed the side will be known as the Tigerwoods and will f*ck everybody and everything.

[Kramer]

A man walks into a
bar, notices a very large jar on the
counter,
and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10
bills. He guesses there must be at
least ten thousand dollars in
it.
He
approaches the bartender and asks, "What's
with the money in the
jar?"


"Well...,
you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money in the jar and the
keys to a brand new Lexus."


The
man certainly isn't going to pass this up,
so he asks, "What are the three tests?"


"You
gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those
are the rules."

So,
after thinking it over a while, the man
gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into
the jar.

"Okay,"
says the bartender, "here's what you need to
do:

First
- You have to drink a whole quart of
tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you
can't make a face while doing
it."


"Second
- There's a pit bull chained in the
back
with
a bad tooth. You have to remove that
tooth with your bare
hands."


"Third
- There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's
never had sex. You have to take care
of that problem."


The
man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10
-- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do
it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a
quart of tequila and then do all those other
things!"


"Your
call," says the bartender, "but, your money
stays where it is."


As
time goes on, the man has a few more drinks
and finally says, "Where's the damn
tequila?!"


He
grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks
it as fast as he can.
Tears
stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't
make a face -- and he drinks it in 58
seconds!

Next,
he staggers out the back door where he sees
the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon,
the people inside the bar hear loud
growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -- then nothing but
silence!


Just
when they think that the man surely must be
dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and
he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over
his body. He drunkenly says,
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad
tooth?"





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest]

What Tiger Woods Should Have said:

To my wife, I'm sorry. I ****ed up but I'm not changing so you'll either
need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in
the pre-nup....sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If
you care....sorry. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one
year what you'll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from
210 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop putts that you couldn't read in
a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am.
Kissing my ass all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had
since Thanksgiving. **** you all. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to
sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my black ass! You mother****ers come out ripping
me when I've put more ****ing money in your pockets than you could count.
You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-****ing-Parnavik? Give me a
****ing break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish
you bastards but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next
few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That's all I got today folks.....see ya at *Augusta** **!....Oh and Bambi,
if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

[Guest]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:



'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Guest]

Please don't take this joke as a reference to my political leanings (i live by the credo "How can you tell if a politician is lying?" "His lips are moving!")..




Anyway..here goes..





On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House.

It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ......"our investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." It’s Julia Gillard’s hand writing".

[WickedAngel]

the Why's of Men

Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favourite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

[Guest]

I heard that when Carl Williams’ dad dropped in to see him in jail he said “You 're getting a bit fat son, an exercise bike wouldn’t kill you"

Chook.

[TheBigFella]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I preferred breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved fanny.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

[Guest]

I heard that when Carl Williams' dad dropped in to see him in jail he said
"You're getting a bit fat son, an exercise bike wouldn't kill you".

NOTE TO SELF - READ ALL POSTS PRIOR TO POSTING IN THIS THREAD....Sorry Chook....

[Guest]

NOTE TO SELF - READ ALL POSTS PRIOR TO POSTING IN THIS THREAD....Sorry Chook....

lol, no worries man, I got another giggle out of it

Chook.

[horrie hastings]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you... Tray-up, Bitch'

[horrie hastings]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Anna Bligh and Julia
Gillard.They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going
to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[Guest]

A young boy gets asked to use the word contagious in a sentence by his teacher. he says, "me and my dad were watchin' the neighbour paint his fence and he was doin it with a toothbrush. i asked dad why he was doin' it with a toothbrush and dad told me he had no idea why but he knows it will take the contagious"