Jokes

[Kramer]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful.

How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. then I told them that the
big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.

"And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,

'This is your asshole before prison.........

[horrie hastings]

I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

[Guest]

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[Guest]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.
THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.

She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, this woman looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Julia Gillard! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options:

1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or
2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful people!
THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white film...??!!!

[Guest]

I took a dyslexic woman home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!




________________________________________



Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.


________________________________________


Just Fostered a Muslim kid, all 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

________________________________________





Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke, all I said was,





"Golly you're tall."



________________________________________




They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & The Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.


________________________________________



Muslims’ have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as five.


________________________________________



Just bought a racehorse called "My Face"; it may not be any good but I can’t wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.


________________________________________




The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.





She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom"
I said "No just disappear for 4 months".


________________________________________


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just been barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the "S" had come off the logo!

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2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy "that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on?"

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A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbour for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbour suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbour suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.



A Pakistani finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

St.Peter asks "What are you doing here?"
Imran says "I'm not sure"
Peter looks back through the gates and yells, "Hey GOD! Your Taxi is here"

[Guest]

I took a dyslexic woman home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!




________________________________________



Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.


________________________________________


Just Fostered a Muslim kid, all 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

________________________________________





Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke, all I said was,





"Golly you're tall."



________________________________________




They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & The Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.


________________________________________



Muslims’ have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as five.


________________________________________



Just bought a racehorse called "My Face"; it may not be any good but I can’t wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.


________________________________________




The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.





She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom"
I said "No just disappear for 4 months".


________________________________________


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!





Just been barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the "S" had come off the logo!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy "that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbour for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbour suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbour suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.



A Pakistani finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

St.Peter asks "What are you doing here?"
Imran says "I'm not sure"
Peter looks back through the gates and yells, "Hey GOD! Your Taxi is here"

[Guest]

Harley Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller 'Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted...

Ok Ok 'I'll do the ****ing dishes!

[Guest]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'.

[Guest]

whats the difference between a park bench and a souths supporter?

a park bench can support a family!!!!

[Guest]

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to **** the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Haemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were ****ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!

[theGman]

Souffs supporter

whats the difference between a park bench and a souths supporter?

a park bench can support a family!!!!

Q. How does a Souffs supporter get themselves ready on game day?

A. They brush their tooth.

[Guest]

q. How does a souffs supporter get themselves ready on game day?

A. They brush their tooth.

lol!

[Guest]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good
news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five feet in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four
or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot
over there and pull her up again!

[stephenj]

which reminds me of the guy trying out his change of life car when a a police car started chasing him with sirens and lights blasting away, he just goes faster till they finally catch up and stop him, the old sergeant said to him, I'm off duty in half an hour so if you can give me a great story to save my time with paperwork, your looking good, the man replies" a few years ago my wife run off to live with a policeman, when i saw the police car chasing me, i thought he was trying to give her back! floored the sergeant just said, drive home a lot slower please sir!

[Kingbilly]

I love this thread