Jokes

[Guest]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest..

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'No possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[horrie hastings]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)


How can you possibly fail ?!!





1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What color is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.




ANSWERS



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ? Orange (of course!)

Told you it was easy!!!

[horrie hastings]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Kevin Rudd to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'


The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.


The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.


PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.


The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'


PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
You're entitled to
Sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared

[horrie hastings]

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his bottom.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

[Guest]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'



He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'


The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'


Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'


The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'


The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.




Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,














'SUPPLIES!!!!'

[Guest]

a man walked into a bar...............




























ouch!

[Guest]

A cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike "Did Santa get you that for christmas"

" yes " said the little girl

cop gives her a $50.00 fine, " next time tell him you want reflecters"


girl says to cop, " nice horse, did Santa give you that for christmas" ?

Cop giggles, "yep, sure did" he said

little girl says " next year tell Santa the karnt goes under the tail not above it"

[Guest]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Newsflash<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

A stolen bus packed full of souffs fans was hit by a train killing all 80 on board.

I got to thinking, damn that could have been me

then i remembered, i cant drive a train!!

[melon....]

Souff Sydney.

[Guest]

Kiwi man in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted..

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

[WickedAngel]

Cricket joke

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies "$60."

"Wow, what do I get for that?" he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt."

[WickedAngel]

They are finally together

* THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ....

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident.
12 years later Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having produced 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

[Guest]

What is your IQ?

... Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, So how do you reckon Souffs will go this year?

[Kramer]

Anniversary

WHO SAID MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES!


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot
cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back
seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved
the shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been out of jail today and a free man!"

[Kramer]

Blonde Mortician.


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ....

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.


'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ....


So I just switched the heads.'