Jokes

[Guest]

How are women and comdoms alike?


If there not on your dick there in your wallet!!!

[Guest]

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of it...Woooohoooo!"


"That's great, Darling!", she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the ski slopes ?"


'Who cares," he replies, "Just **** off!"

[Guest]

Man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of bourbon

The bartender asks , "what ya celebrating?"

The guy says "i just had my first blow job"

Bartender says, "congratualtions thats great , i'll buy ya one as well!"

Man says " if 12 dont get rid of the taste 13 isnt going to either"

[Guest]

A bloke goes to his dentist for a check up. the dentist finishes and says"Sir i can see that you had a 69 last night" The bloke is highly embarassed and says "How can you tell? Is there a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" The dentist replies "No you have a skid mark on your nose".

[Guest]

Two guys go to a fancy dress party. One guy has his dick in a bowl of custard and the other with his dick in a pear. When the host opens the door he says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO SUPPOSED TO BE" One guy says "I'm ****ing disgusted and this blokes come in dispair"

[Guest]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather
than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water
cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[Pass the Ball]

Love your work Shadow - The lottery one really got me..

[Guest]

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!

[Guest]

If men wrote advice columns

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot gel enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember. Nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two [it's great time to clean the house too] Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Guest]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[Guest]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the $5 for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him $5." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Pass the Ball]

Keep 'em coming Shadow...

[stsae]

This ones for the ladies, cos I care.

Q: Why do girls wear makeup and perfume????

A: Cos theyre ugly and they smell.

[WickedAngel]

Dreams Can Come True

An Irishman, who has been stranded on an island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
It's certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?
Ten years, replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, Faith and begorra! Is that ever good!

And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey? she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, Ten years.

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, Tis absolutely fantastic!

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, And how long has it been since you've played around?

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?

[WickedAngel]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men,and women to dance with women at the reception.But, we'd like your permission to dance together,like the rest of the world."


"Absolutely not," says the rabbi."It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."


"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"


"No," answered the rabbi."It's forbidden."


"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"


"Of course!" replies the rabbi."Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage,
to have children!"


"What about different positions?" asks the man


"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"


"Woman on top?" the man asks.


"Sure," says the rabbi."Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"


"Doggy style?"


"Sure! Another mitzvah!"


"On the kitchen table?"


"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"


"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"


"Can we do it standing up?"


"No." says the rabbi."


"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing." says the rabbi