Jokes

[TheBigFella]

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I

am going to wear a gold one."



Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second

for a ****ing change."

[TheBigFella]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases

packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think

you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can

earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might

as well earn money for what I do to you free."



The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes

back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you

think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I

want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

[TheBigFella]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had
tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

[TheBigFella]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't..


The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and
then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And
you're single. Just let it go.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering.....


Dave.......


Dave.........


Dave........

.........you're a vet Dave.

[TheBigFella]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

[TheBigFella]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him, he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me ....." Says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school" "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[TheBigFella]

Been arrested 3 times this week for knocking out the ****ing wife...
Copper asked me 'Why do you keep beating her?'
I replied
'I'd say it's probably because i have a significant weight advantage, longer reach & better footwork'

[TheBigFella]

"Dad, what's the difference between a pussy & a ****?" a young son asks..
"Look at this" says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "That's a pussy son."
"It's wonderful dad. can i touch it?" "No son," says dad "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the **** up"''

[TheBigFella]

A blonde breaks down i her car. She takes it to a servo. The mechanic works on it for a few minutes until it runs smoothly. She says, 'so what's the story?'. He replies 'just crap in the carby'. She asks 'How often do i have to do that?'...

[Guest]

Three tampons are walking down the road, slim, regular, and ultra....Which one says hello first ?

None, cause they're all stuck up ****s.

[Guest]

How I learned to mind my own business :

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[TheBigFella]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the ****ing Post Office, you wanker"

[Guest]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap!'

[Guest]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Barbara.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

[Guest]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they
pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder!
Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car
and blow into this tube for me!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from
the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a
letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed
to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the
driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin Rudd, the Prime
Minister of this lovely country of Australia - he's apologised, and says
that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!